haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
