apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize