Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
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