if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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