Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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