the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
