I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
