so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
