plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
