Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
