It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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