I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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