Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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