I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
