Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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