can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
