is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
