if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i drank out of a bidet.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
