there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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