I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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