the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
