Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
