fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
