I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
