you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
