I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
