We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
