god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
