i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Michael Bay diarrhea
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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