he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
