I just cut my nipple shaving
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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