I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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