what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
