Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
