He disabled his match.com account in front of me
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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