Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize