Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
