this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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