i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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