then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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