Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
