Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
