I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
