Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
love makes seman taste better
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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