I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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