youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
