Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
