They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
