Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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