how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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