Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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