I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
