i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
