I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
