I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
