She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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