I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Randomize