There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
