I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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